Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁