One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
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8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots