My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Wednesday
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.