{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
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Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Ghost costume 😂
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other