If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
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[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃