Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Seals are just dog mermaids.