Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
You Might Also Like
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.