That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My typo game is string.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.