so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I’m calling the cops.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?