I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
You Might Also Like
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
couldn’t resist
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.