Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?