There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
*pronounces surface like Versace*
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”