“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
You Might Also Like
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”