[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
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I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Vodka burrito was a success
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”