I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.