Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
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The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying