Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
You Might Also Like
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
crazy
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy