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Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…