My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
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You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Mornin. * use accordingly
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy