Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely