I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
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Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now