Thanks to a fan for this one.
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*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Facebook memories be like
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day