Message from the dog groomers
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?