“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Why is everyone getting married at me
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor