When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;