doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you