Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
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Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Received some very disappointing news today
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
couldn’t resist
I want to meet the individual who made this
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost