A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Something Saturday.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
smh
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.