I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
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My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.