A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline