TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!