Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.