I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear