If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”