A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
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The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
i- i did not expect this
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
*seductively eats two tums*
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.