*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
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“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom