[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
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*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!