My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.