My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
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girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???