I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.