Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)