If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
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[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.