STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
what kind of cook setting is this??
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Aight bet
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed