I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
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This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder