I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners