The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
You Might Also Like
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I hate when that happens.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.