The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.