[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
You Might Also Like
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Its a hippotatomus