what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
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The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!