{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.